20 weeks since you left

Dear Dayani,

It's been twenty weeks since you left us...

Now I know that grief is not a linear process

That sometimes it's up, sometime it's down, most of the time it's in between

Now I know that there will always be a part of me that never left you at the hospital that morning of November 24th.

That my soul has been shattered into a million pieces, for each moments we shared together frozen in time. 

I have to live with that, accept it.

Now I have a better understanding of love, you gave me that. Thank you.

I know many things now, but I still don't know how much longer it will be until I hold you in my arms again.

And these tears just won't stop falling...

18 weeks

Dear Dayani,
Today is the 18th Sunday since I last kissed your forehead. Time did not stop for us...
Yesterday, we found out that we are expecting your and Ishan's little sister/ brother. Appa kept saying had you been here we wouldn't be having another one now, but yet here we are...
I spent last week in New York on my first business trip since you were born. Had you been here, I would not have left home yet...
Everyday is a reminder that time did not and would not stop for us, for me, Appa, Ishan and you.

It is silly to think that someone would question my love for you, after all I am your mother. But somehow I feel that I have to say something about it in the prospect of a new baby.

My love for you has not waned even though it's been a while since we first met, since you were in my belly...
My love for you is fierce with endurance and desperation. It's different from the love I have for Ishan or any love I've known before.
It's amazing how this heart can love each person uniquely.
My love for you is the most complex and all encompassing at once.

I hope you'll welcome your new brother or sister with joy and happiness. I hope you'll be right there when he or she is born along with Ishan..
Who knows maybe she or he will share the same birthday as yours?

All my love, always,
Your mom

17 weeks since I've missed you..

Dear Dayani,

Around this time tomorrow, it'll be 119 days since I last felt your warmth against my skin. Do you ever miss mommy like I miss you? Did you ever wake up in the hospital looking for me and I wasn't there? Do you ever look for me now? Do you think of me? Because I do, always...

All my love,

Your mom

17 weeks

Hello my darling seventeen weeks old baby,

Mommy misses you terribly. All the time. You are always in the forefront of my mind. I hope you are happy and full of love.

Always,

Your mommy 

Still angry..

Dear Dayani,
I thought I have passed the anger phase, but it looks like I haven't. I want to slap everyone who talked to me about you as if it's your life is an unfortunate incident. I want to smack the so called friend who haven't reached out to me with their condolences because they could not stomach this loss. But the truth it I am still angry that you are not here with me. This life demands that I move forward without you. Not a day goes by that I want to scream out WHY?!! It turns out that your death was not the hardest thing I had to go through. Living this life without you is possibly one of them.

This weekend was my and Appa's 6th wedding anniversary. We are trying again. If you were here, there would be no discussion about having another baby. Are you coming back? If you are, please give me a sign.

All my love always,
Your mommy

Broken hearted

My heart bleeds every time someone at work who didn't know what happened enthusiastically call/ tell me "I heard you are back! How's the baby doing?", and I have to say my auto-reply that she couldn't make it but we are doing ok, thank you for asking. Inside I am screaming NO that's not true! I didn't lose my child. My Dayani is not dead!

The best things in life are free...

Is this true?

Does it apply to you, Dayu?