Does it apply to you, Dayu?
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Thirteen weeks since you left
Dear Dayani,
I have returned to work on Wednesday last week. It was neither great or terrible. I received a lot of support from my managers and colleagues. There were times that I wanted to pack up and leave, to go home so I could just lie in bed, but I told myself "Stay for a couple more hours. If you still want to leave then, we'll go". This sentence went over and over in my head since 9 AM in the morning to 4PM in the afternoon. I managed to stay the whole day until 6PM on those three days.
On a separate note, I often wonder what I look like to people when I walk around the mall, the zoo, Publix, Target and Walmart with your Appa and Ishan, and my fourteen weeks post-partum belly and extra weight. Do you think they figured it out that I just had a baby? If so, would they then wonder where you are? If they come to the conclusion that you are no longer here (given the obvious lack of infant car seat and stroller) would they pity me or would they think something must be wrong with me? Would they try to rationalize by saying there must be something physically wrong with your Appa and I? Or would they say we deserved it because of bad karma?
Back when we used to live in NYC Metro area, there were hearing or speech impaired people walking around in the train stations, handing out a card explaining their condition and asking for a donation to help their cause. I wonder if I should do the same, minus the donation of course! I can't shake this feeling that people are judging me. I feel like I am walking around with a blazing red letter on my chest.
Tomorrow you are 100 days old. I have asked your Athay Geetha to give a donation on your behalf to the Sri Rakum School for the Blind in Bangalore. The donation will sponsor 3 meals for 3 days. I did a similar thing for Ishan's 100 days but for a different charity. We did however celebrate Ishan's first birthday in the same school for the blind. I hope your Oppungs got you a cake, candle and balloons tomorrow. They will help you blow out the candle but please don't forget to make a wish. If I could wish for you, I will wish for your happiness, always.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Your mommy
I have returned to work on Wednesday last week. It was neither great or terrible. I received a lot of support from my managers and colleagues. There were times that I wanted to pack up and leave, to go home so I could just lie in bed, but I told myself "Stay for a couple more hours. If you still want to leave then, we'll go". This sentence went over and over in my head since 9 AM in the morning to 4PM in the afternoon. I managed to stay the whole day until 6PM on those three days.
On a separate note, I often wonder what I look like to people when I walk around the mall, the zoo, Publix, Target and Walmart with your Appa and Ishan, and my fourteen weeks post-partum belly and extra weight. Do you think they figured it out that I just had a baby? If so, would they then wonder where you are? If they come to the conclusion that you are no longer here (given the obvious lack of infant car seat and stroller) would they pity me or would they think something must be wrong with me? Would they try to rationalize by saying there must be something physically wrong with your Appa and I? Or would they say we deserved it because of bad karma?
Back when we used to live in NYC Metro area, there were hearing or speech impaired people walking around in the train stations, handing out a card explaining their condition and asking for a donation to help their cause. I wonder if I should do the same, minus the donation of course! I can't shake this feeling that people are judging me. I feel like I am walking around with a blazing red letter on my chest.
Tomorrow you are 100 days old. I have asked your Athay Geetha to give a donation on your behalf to the Sri Rakum School for the Blind in Bangalore. The donation will sponsor 3 meals for 3 days. I did a similar thing for Ishan's 100 days but for a different charity. We did however celebrate Ishan's first birthday in the same school for the blind. I hope your Oppungs got you a cake, candle and balloons tomorrow. They will help you blow out the candle but please don't forget to make a wish. If I could wish for you, I will wish for your happiness, always.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Your mommy
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
When darkness falls
When darkness fall, I think of you
When I see a ray of light, you are there too
It's too much to ask
But why must I go on without you
I have loved you
To the moon and back
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Would have been 13 weeks old
Dear Dayani,
Today you would have been thirteen weeks old. 3 months. In one week, it would have been 3 months that you left us. Time didn't stop, did it?
Tomorrow your Appa, Ishan and I along with Taatha and Aachi will release some balloons for you. Please reach out and catch them...
Next week I will be returning to work, on Wednesday. How I wish I don't have to go on without you by my side... It will be an adjustment for sure, one that I never thought I have to make.
I hope you have a good day today and plenty of fun playing with your friends, and that you have enough food, milk and sleep. I hope your Oppungs bought you lots of toys and read you books every night.
With all my love, always,
Your mom
Monday, February 9, 2015
What you know
Dear Destrida,
Let's be honest. If I told you last year that this is where you will be now would you believe me? At this time last year you were getting in to the thick of things in planning mode for baby #2. If I told you everything that now you know to be true, I believe you would say it was impossible and you would vehemently deny me. But deep in your heart you'd know that there was indeed a possibility, wouldn't you? Sure, you'd hope that it is not true and you'd take your chances anyway in getting pregnant, but don't tell me that NEVER in a million years you thought this is where you could be. You knew that there was always a possibility, no matter how small. You not acknowledging it is another matter altogether..
I know that what we are going through is not the stuff for the faint of heart. But you know it is also not the worst thing because look around, you see others who suffer more than us. What do you say to that?
It's scary to think about the future knowing what you now know. But would you believe me that while things can indeed get worse they can also get better? That maybe there is a beauty in not knowing, in taking chances? Now is all we have and we can internally choose what now mean. I know you don't believe me when I say things will look up. It's hard to after all there is no guarantee. But let's give it a chance. Can you live with not knowing for certain?
Ps: Dayani's last test results came back today. Genetics testing did not find any abnormality in the genes that cause fetal akinesia. So now we will never know....
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Lessons
Dear Dayani,
You would have been 12 weeks old today. It is the 11th Sunday since I last held you in my arms, since I last kissed your forehead. It hurts to remember but I must lest I forget.
I read yesterday that in the face of difficulties, instead of whining asking "why is this happening to me?" that one should ask this question thoughtfully in order to see the illuminating lessons. So what are my lessons Dayani?
I don't think I have the full inventory of everything that you came to teach me, yet but I am going to take a stab at one today because it is so obvious. It is after all your name, Dayani, which means Compassion.
I believe my soul wanted to understand Compassion and I believe your soul came to teach. I know I needed to learn this lesson long before you were born. I have always felt a tug in my heart every time I see or read about an injustice or tragedy in this world. Since a young age, I used to move to tears when I see people's unfortunate circumstances, be it our own family or relatives or strangers. I have always been charitable in my own way, though I realize now that this charitable part has more to do with proving that I am a good person than about alleviating others' pain.
When I saw the word Dayani in one of those ubiquitous baby names websites (I can't remember now which one) I felt a vibration in my heart, and I knew I wanted it to be your name. But I was not quite sure it would happen because the word is a part of my middle name and there is a bad superstition around naming a baby after a parent or a living person. Your Appa did not like the way the first three letters sound and he worried that kids would make fun of you in school. Oh the irony! Your Appa and I had another name in our list, but upon seeing you for the first time and holding you in my arms after the neonatalogist managed to intubate you, we knew that Dayani belongs to you.
So there you were teaching me a lesson that cannot be taught through words, but instead must be felt. For one whole week I was surrounded by your name, your energy. To know Compassion, one must experience it and be on the receiving end of one. I understand now that you had to come the way you were in order to teach me this very important lesson. You brought all the people that could do all the talking and moving for you, who bestowed upon me Compassion with their words, wisdom and presence. All the nurses, doctors, people in the grief support groups, friends, family... All these people did and still do their job for you. I understand now that compassion cannot be taught or dictated to another person even in a lifetime. So there you were, as you were - not moving, not talking, but teaching.
Oh what a lesson it was, is. It will take me a the rest of my life to understand your name. A Buddhist proverb says "When a student is ready, the teacher will appear". So I must have been ready to take the course because you came, my teacher. You had to pick the fatal syndrome that you had because you know you were not going to stay long and you did not want me to run around to look for cure which could hinder the learning time. You hid the severity of it all while you were in my womb, so you could stay long enough to come out to this world to make memories with your Appa, Ishan and others and touch their lives too. You are among the very important teachers I have in this life time, and I am eternally grateful.
I await the day I hold you in my arms again, to kiss your forehead again. Until then I am going to live. I will hold Ishan and kiss his forehead with the intention and hope that you feel it too...
With all my love, always,
Your mom
Ps: Last night, we were all in the car going to the mall so Ishan can ride the choo choo train. Ishan sat in the back seat with Taatha and Aachi and he was playing with a couple of scrubs that he got from the hospital, when he last visited you there. Appa then asked him where he got the scrubs from and and whom he was visiting at the hospital, obviously alluding to you. Prior to this conversation, Ishan had declared that he was happy (because we were taking him to ride the train). But after the Q&A with Appa, he said "Now I am sad". I asked him why and he said "because I want Dayani".
You would have been 12 weeks old today. It is the 11th Sunday since I last held you in my arms, since I last kissed your forehead. It hurts to remember but I must lest I forget.
I read yesterday that in the face of difficulties, instead of whining asking "why is this happening to me?" that one should ask this question thoughtfully in order to see the illuminating lessons. So what are my lessons Dayani?
I don't think I have the full inventory of everything that you came to teach me, yet but I am going to take a stab at one today because it is so obvious. It is after all your name, Dayani, which means Compassion.
I believe my soul wanted to understand Compassion and I believe your soul came to teach. I know I needed to learn this lesson long before you were born. I have always felt a tug in my heart every time I see or read about an injustice or tragedy in this world. Since a young age, I used to move to tears when I see people's unfortunate circumstances, be it our own family or relatives or strangers. I have always been charitable in my own way, though I realize now that this charitable part has more to do with proving that I am a good person than about alleviating others' pain.
When I saw the word Dayani in one of those ubiquitous baby names websites (I can't remember now which one) I felt a vibration in my heart, and I knew I wanted it to be your name. But I was not quite sure it would happen because the word is a part of my middle name and there is a bad superstition around naming a baby after a parent or a living person. Your Appa did not like the way the first three letters sound and he worried that kids would make fun of you in school. Oh the irony! Your Appa and I had another name in our list, but upon seeing you for the first time and holding you in my arms after the neonatalogist managed to intubate you, we knew that Dayani belongs to you.
So there you were teaching me a lesson that cannot be taught through words, but instead must be felt. For one whole week I was surrounded by your name, your energy. To know Compassion, one must experience it and be on the receiving end of one. I understand now that you had to come the way you were in order to teach me this very important lesson. You brought all the people that could do all the talking and moving for you, who bestowed upon me Compassion with their words, wisdom and presence. All the nurses, doctors, people in the grief support groups, friends, family... All these people did and still do their job for you. I understand now that compassion cannot be taught or dictated to another person even in a lifetime. So there you were, as you were - not moving, not talking, but teaching.
Oh what a lesson it was, is. It will take me a the rest of my life to understand your name. A Buddhist proverb says "When a student is ready, the teacher will appear". So I must have been ready to take the course because you came, my teacher. You had to pick the fatal syndrome that you had because you know you were not going to stay long and you did not want me to run around to look for cure which could hinder the learning time. You hid the severity of it all while you were in my womb, so you could stay long enough to come out to this world to make memories with your Appa, Ishan and others and touch their lives too. You are among the very important teachers I have in this life time, and I am eternally grateful.
I await the day I hold you in my arms again, to kiss your forehead again. Until then I am going to live. I will hold Ishan and kiss his forehead with the intention and hope that you feel it too...
With all my love, always,
Your mom
Ps: Last night, we were all in the car going to the mall so Ishan can ride the choo choo train. Ishan sat in the back seat with Taatha and Aachi and he was playing with a couple of scrubs that he got from the hospital, when he last visited you there. Appa then asked him where he got the scrubs from and and whom he was visiting at the hospital, obviously alluding to you. Prior to this conversation, Ishan had declared that he was happy (because we were taking him to ride the train). But after the Q&A with Appa, he said "Now I am sad". I asked him why and he said "because I want Dayani".
Pps: Today Appa, Ishan and I went to Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs. It was the first time we've gone to a beach since we scattered your ashes at Fort De Soto beach back in December. It was in my list of to do before returning to work next week.
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