What you know

Dear Destrida,

Let's be honest. If I told you last year that this is where you will be now would you believe me? At this time last year you were getting in to the thick of things in planning mode for baby #2.   If I told you everything that now you know to be true, I believe you would say it was impossible and you would vehemently deny me. But deep in your heart you'd know that there was indeed a possibility, wouldn't you? Sure, you'd hope that it is not true and you'd take your chances anyway in getting pregnant, but don't tell me that NEVER in a million years you thought this is where you could be. You knew that there was always a possibility, no matter how small. You not acknowledging it is another matter altogether..

I know that what we are going through is not the stuff for the faint of heart. But you know it is also not the worst thing because look around, you see others who suffer more than us. What do you say to that?

It's scary to think about the future knowing what you now know. But would you believe me that while things can indeed get worse they can also get better? That maybe there is a beauty in not knowing, in taking chances? Now is all we have and we can internally choose what now mean. I know you don't believe me when I say things will look up. It's hard to after all there is no guarantee. But let's give it a chance. Can you live with not knowing for certain? 

Ps: Dayani's last test results came back today. Genetics testing did not find any abnormality in the genes that cause fetal akinesia. So now we will never know....