Dear Dayani,
I have returned to work on Wednesday last week. It was neither great or terrible. I received a lot of support from my managers and colleagues. There were times that I wanted to pack up and leave, to go home so I could just lie in bed, but I told myself "Stay for a couple more hours. If you still want to leave then, we'll go". This sentence went over and over in my head since 9 AM in the morning to 4PM in the afternoon. I managed to stay the whole day until 6PM on those three days.
On a separate note, I often wonder what I look like to people when I walk around the mall, the zoo, Publix, Target and Walmart with your Appa and Ishan, and my fourteen weeks post-partum belly and extra weight. Do you think they figured it out that I just had a baby? If so, would they then wonder where you are? If they come to the conclusion that you are no longer here (given the obvious lack of infant car seat and stroller) would they pity me or would they think something must be wrong with me? Would they try to rationalize by saying there must be something physically wrong with your Appa and I? Or would they say we deserved it because of bad karma?
Back when we used to live in NYC Metro area, there were hearing or speech impaired people walking around in the train stations, handing out a card explaining their condition and asking for a donation to help their cause. I wonder if I should do the same, minus the donation of course! I can't shake this feeling that people are judging me. I feel like I am walking around with a blazing red letter on my chest.
Tomorrow you are 100 days old. I have asked your Athay Geetha to give a donation on your behalf to the Sri Rakum School for the Blind in Bangalore. The donation will sponsor 3 meals for 3 days. I did a similar thing for Ishan's 100 days but for a different charity. We did however celebrate Ishan's first birthday in the same school for the blind. I hope your Oppungs got you a cake, candle and balloons tomorrow. They will help you blow out the candle but please don't forget to make a wish. If I could wish for you, I will wish for your happiness, always.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Your mommy
I have returned to work on Wednesday last week. It was neither great or terrible. I received a lot of support from my managers and colleagues. There were times that I wanted to pack up and leave, to go home so I could just lie in bed, but I told myself "Stay for a couple more hours. If you still want to leave then, we'll go". This sentence went over and over in my head since 9 AM in the morning to 4PM in the afternoon. I managed to stay the whole day until 6PM on those three days.
On a separate note, I often wonder what I look like to people when I walk around the mall, the zoo, Publix, Target and Walmart with your Appa and Ishan, and my fourteen weeks post-partum belly and extra weight. Do you think they figured it out that I just had a baby? If so, would they then wonder where you are? If they come to the conclusion that you are no longer here (given the obvious lack of infant car seat and stroller) would they pity me or would they think something must be wrong with me? Would they try to rationalize by saying there must be something physically wrong with your Appa and I? Or would they say we deserved it because of bad karma?
Back when we used to live in NYC Metro area, there were hearing or speech impaired people walking around in the train stations, handing out a card explaining their condition and asking for a donation to help their cause. I wonder if I should do the same, minus the donation of course! I can't shake this feeling that people are judging me. I feel like I am walking around with a blazing red letter on my chest.
Tomorrow you are 100 days old. I have asked your Athay Geetha to give a donation on your behalf to the Sri Rakum School for the Blind in Bangalore. The donation will sponsor 3 meals for 3 days. I did a similar thing for Ishan's 100 days but for a different charity. We did however celebrate Ishan's first birthday in the same school for the blind. I hope your Oppungs got you a cake, candle and balloons tomorrow. They will help you blow out the candle but please don't forget to make a wish. If I could wish for you, I will wish for your happiness, always.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Your mommy
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