I never thought I would experience Anger (one of the 5 stages of grief) so intensely. But here I am spewing it out. Sure, I had expected to feel some anger, but am usually quick to count my blessings so I don't dwell on Anger. But tonight I can't bear it anymore. I need to let it out so I can move on with my grief.
I am so fed up with people asking me what I am doing at home all day given that I am on maternity leave. Unless this is a roundabout way of asking if I am available for tea or a chat then this question is quite insensitive. Let me explain...
In between I had to continue living (whatever that means...). I spend time my son who keeps talking about his baby sister whom he no longer sees, and family and friends who are there for us. Inside, I am spent, drained, exhausted and grieving... Had I been a mother with a wailing newborn baby in my arms, would you still ask me what I was doing all day while on maternity leave?
People seem to forget that I had just physically given birth. The postpartum bleeding, the breast milk which I had to painfully stop, the hormonal changes, the fatigue and the soreness, I had to experience all that even though the baby had died. So I rest from time to time to give my body a chance to recuperate. All the above plus grieving, which is by far the heaviest burden of all, take up a lot of time!!
So, in case you are wondering, no I am not in bed all day. I am actually functioning. I went to see my dentist two weeks ago, got my hair cut, shop for grocery, cook, play with son, spend time with friends, reach out for help, read books on baby loss and grief, sleep, eat, shower and cry whenever the realization that my daughter is no longer here hits me (which is almost all the time!). It doesn't help that the flu season is in full swing and all of us in the house are plagued by a cold that doesn't seem to go away. So unless you are coming over to lend me a shoulder to cry on, do not ask me what I am doing all day while on this maternity leave.
Here are examples of an asinine comment slash question that always get on my nerves. So you DID see something wrong with the baby earlier in the pregnancy?!" Or "What caused this you think?
What is the point of this comment/ question or any variation of it? I do not know... But to answer it, yes we did. Dayani had thicker neck fold at 13 weeks (by a slight margin), and rocker bottom and sandal gap toe on her left foot. These are all markers for multiple chromosomal disorders. However the results of Panorama, Amniocentesis, Micro array tests came back clean contradicting all the physical signs. There was nothing to do for us at that point other than hoped for the best...
So if you think we saw her death coming but chose to act all heroic carrying the baby through the pregnancy so we can experience this bitter end then F$&K YOU! What we saw was a our baby girl who may need a surgery or therapy to fix her foot later in life. We saw a fixable deformity. You can call us naive but hopeful would have been more appropriate. Given the tests came back negative, we had no reason to think that there was something that the medical field could not fix. We were blissfully ignorant.
However, if you are asking the question because you are doing some kind of postmortem on my loss, so you can avoid the same thing from happening to you in the future, please GET A LIFE! There is no way to prepare for this horrific situation. If you know me at all, you'd know that I am a planner, a very organized and a meticulous one at that. If there was any way to plan for a loss of a baby I would have done it. I have lost both my parents so I know what a loss is - or so I thought. So spare yourself the trouble. I am already asking a lot of questions on my own, I don't need yours.
I was one of those people who thought that the average parents don't lose their children and that I was part of that stats. Well guess what? You never know which side of the numbers you are in and it changes from time to time. Nothing in life is permanent or guaranteed. Being good or doing good does not mean you get a pass from life's hardships. Now that I've walked on this path I see others who are also on the same or similar journey as I am. These people are around us! They could be your colleague, your boss, the lady at Publix checkout counter, your OB, your nurse, anyone! This loss is not as uncommon as I previously thought. So enjoy life and love everyone. I pray that you never have to go through what I'm going through.
Oh please don't tell me you understand how I feel unless you have lost a baby yourself.
And one more thing, STOP telling me to be grateful for my son and my husband. I know that! Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for them, but that doesn't negate the loss of my daughter. I love both my children very much. They are both my life's blessings, my strengths and teachers. To say I should draw my strength only from my son is an insult to my daughter's memory. She may be dead but she is teaching me many things about life and love, and I am still learning. So save it!
I am glad I let that out. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am so fed up with people asking me what I am doing at home all day given that I am on maternity leave. Unless this is a roundabout way of asking if I am available for tea or a chat then this question is quite insensitive. Let me explain...
- I delivered my daughter, Dayani 7 weeks ago. My husband and I commuted 100 miles everyday since the day after she was born to see her in the hospital. We stood by her side for hours singing nursery songs, talking and playing with her, dealing with everything that comes with having a baby in NICU, and trying to make sense of what was happening amidst all the medical jargons that in the end basically mean "no hope, no cure". Our 3 yr old son and quite a few friends came to spend time with her on some of those days. Dayani died one week later.
- After Dayani passed away we had to make phone calls to several funeral homes to find one that was willing to work with us, to follow our terms. Have you ever tried telling strangers whose goal is to sell you funeral/cremation packages that your daughter just died and the world as you knew it was over?
- We then went to craft stores looking for a wicker basket to put her body in for cremation (under the watchful eyes of unassuming strangers and unhelpful sales people), had her cremated, brought the small urn containing her ashes home (the only physical part of her that ever came home), and two weeks later let her ashes go into the ocean.
In between I had to continue living (whatever that means...). I spend time my son who keeps talking about his baby sister whom he no longer sees, and family and friends who are there for us. Inside, I am spent, drained, exhausted and grieving... Had I been a mother with a wailing newborn baby in my arms, would you still ask me what I was doing all day while on maternity leave?
People seem to forget that I had just physically given birth. The postpartum bleeding, the breast milk which I had to painfully stop, the hormonal changes, the fatigue and the soreness, I had to experience all that even though the baby had died. So I rest from time to time to give my body a chance to recuperate. All the above plus grieving, which is by far the heaviest burden of all, take up a lot of time!!
So, in case you are wondering, no I am not in bed all day. I am actually functioning. I went to see my dentist two weeks ago, got my hair cut, shop for grocery, cook, play with son, spend time with friends, reach out for help, read books on baby loss and grief, sleep, eat, shower and cry whenever the realization that my daughter is no longer here hits me (which is almost all the time!). It doesn't help that the flu season is in full swing and all of us in the house are plagued by a cold that doesn't seem to go away. So unless you are coming over to lend me a shoulder to cry on, do not ask me what I am doing all day while on this maternity leave.
Here are examples of an asinine comment slash question that always get on my nerves. So you DID see something wrong with the baby earlier in the pregnancy?!" Or "What caused this you think?
What is the point of this comment/ question or any variation of it? I do not know... But to answer it, yes we did. Dayani had thicker neck fold at 13 weeks (by a slight margin), and rocker bottom and sandal gap toe on her left foot. These are all markers for multiple chromosomal disorders. However the results of Panorama, Amniocentesis, Micro array tests came back clean contradicting all the physical signs. There was nothing to do for us at that point other than hoped for the best...
So if you think we saw her death coming but chose to act all heroic carrying the baby through the pregnancy so we can experience this bitter end then F$&K YOU! What we saw was a our baby girl who may need a surgery or therapy to fix her foot later in life. We saw a fixable deformity. You can call us naive but hopeful would have been more appropriate. Given the tests came back negative, we had no reason to think that there was something that the medical field could not fix. We were blissfully ignorant.
However, if you are asking the question because you are doing some kind of postmortem on my loss, so you can avoid the same thing from happening to you in the future, please GET A LIFE! There is no way to prepare for this horrific situation. If you know me at all, you'd know that I am a planner, a very organized and a meticulous one at that. If there was any way to plan for a loss of a baby I would have done it. I have lost both my parents so I know what a loss is - or so I thought. So spare yourself the trouble. I am already asking a lot of questions on my own, I don't need yours.
I was one of those people who thought that the average parents don't lose their children and that I was part of that stats. Well guess what? You never know which side of the numbers you are in and it changes from time to time. Nothing in life is permanent or guaranteed. Being good or doing good does not mean you get a pass from life's hardships. Now that I've walked on this path I see others who are also on the same or similar journey as I am. These people are around us! They could be your colleague, your boss, the lady at Publix checkout counter, your OB, your nurse, anyone! This loss is not as uncommon as I previously thought. So enjoy life and love everyone. I pray that you never have to go through what I'm going through.
Oh please don't tell me you understand how I feel unless you have lost a baby yourself.
And one more thing, STOP telling me to be grateful for my son and my husband. I know that! Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for them, but that doesn't negate the loss of my daughter. I love both my children very much. They are both my life's blessings, my strengths and teachers. To say I should draw my strength only from my son is an insult to my daughter's memory. She may be dead but she is teaching me many things about life and love, and I am still learning. So save it!
I am glad I let that out. Thanks for letting me vent.
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