Two months since Dayani left

Dayani and Mom taken on Nov 22nd, 2014.

Dear Dayani,
Tomorrow will be exactly two months since you left us. If you ask me how I am doing at this moment, I would say I really don't know. It's one of the darkest, if not the darkest, time of my life. Yet it is also the most beautiful. It's like a night sky full of stars and you, my daughter is the brightest of them all.

I have never felt so alive... I can feel every emotion and sensation. What I used to see as people are now souls, and each are tied to others through love. Every woman is someone's mother, sister. wife, girlfriend or best friend. Every man is someone's father, brother, husband, boyfriend or best friend. I see things differently now... Where there is death, there is also birth, where there is pain, there's also joy, where there is happiness there is also sadness...There is a beauty in everything. My heart feels heavy and empty at the same time.

I also realize now that I am not in control. Sure, I can plan but the ultimate decisions as to whether or not they will be done are not in hands. The first time I realize this truth was on the day of your birth: when the Neonatalogist yelled out that you were not going to make it a couple of minutes after you were born, when my heart ripped open seeing you in the NICU for the first time, when the transport team wheeled you into my room before taking you away to All Children's. I was so helpless! I wept and wailed when I saw you in your little incubator, bundled in a dark navy blanket with all the tubes hooked up to your body ready for your transfer. One of the transporters handed me a teddy bear to hold which I continued holding every night since for one month. I thought surely the whole world would have heard my primal scream.  Oh how I wish you know how I felt! Why the earth didn't split open and swallow me whole at that time, I don't know... It would not have surprised me one bit if it did. It's incomprehensible that I am still here today. 

I cried so much for you Dayani. Ever since when you were in my belly, starting around the 14 weeks of the pregnancy when they told me that you have 1:15 chance of being a down-syndrome baby, and then the medical jargons got more and more advanced from there... I have cried for you. I realize now that it did not / does not change anything, that it is the price I must pay for this love that cannot be severed, even by death. There was no vow between us that put such condition to the bond. There is me and there is you, and that's all. I am always your mommy and you are my daughter. Doesn't matter how long, how far, what age, this is the fact.

Dayu, I have something to tell you and I hope you are not upset... Your Appa and I had been talking on and off about giving Ishan and you another sibling. But we could not decide one way or another because we were so scared to lose another child. So we said we'd think about it and leave it open ended. This was last month..  Last weekend, we had a little incident which may make the decision for us. Things happened truly by accident and I will never laugh again when a parent said a baby wasn't planned. It made us realize that we do want to have more children after all... So now we'll wait and see if there is any good news. Even though your Appa and I are emotionally doing better and not as scared (not because we are cocky but because we realize now that life and death are not in our control), I worry that I am not physically healthy enough to carry a baby even though the OB said that internally everything looks good. Pray with us, baby.

Hope you had fun chasing the clouds today. Give your oppungs a hug from me.
With love, always,
Your mom