Were you scared?

Dear Dayani,

It's been a while since my last letter. How are you? Are you happy? Are your Oppungs taking care of you well?  I pray every night that you are happy there in heaven.

Ishan is doing well, as I am sure you know. He says your name so casually all the time. I wonder if he knows that my heart stopped beating for a split second everytime he says Dayani. Your Appa and I are doing fine. We are working through things and Life is a little bit easier to bear each day... You are always in my thoughts. Unfortunately these thoughts come with a lot of sadness still. I am sorry baby... I can't seem to shake it. I am still sad that you are not here. 

One question weighs heavy on my mind today, two actually, so please indulge me. Were you scared when Appa put you in the crematory? If you were, I apologize for not warning you, that I didn't tell you to not be scared of the fire when I last kissed your cheeks. Can you forgive me?

All that morning, I had been thinking that I should tell you to be brave but I believe I had forgotten. I can see that last moment as if it happened yesterday. After saying our goodbyes for the last time and letting others say theirs, your Appa cradled your basket and walked a couple of steps to the crematory. He didn't want us to do it together... He then closed the door and pushed several buttons to start the cremation process. He didn't turn around, not even for a second so I could see the hurt in his eyes. Later he told me as he put you in the crematory he felt the fire on his skin and he realized that he was putting you in a place that would scare you. He felt terrible but it was too late to back out. There was no way out of the situation.. I can't imagine how horrible he must've felt. He is quite brave your Appa. You should be proud.

I know you are a brave and courageous girl and you probably don't care about the antics that we, who you left behind do to take care of your physical remains.. But I would appreciate it if you would please let me know if you were scared. If you were, would you please forgive us for not warning you, for putting you in the crematory in the first place? 

All my love, always,

Mommy